|
Actors Jokes
Q: How many playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm not changing anything!
Q: How many dramaturges does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to get the light bulb. One to get a chair. One to hold the chair.
One to complain about how hard they work. And one to tell them the work day is over and they
can leave the light bulb for someone else to do.
-- Submitted by Aphra Zimmerman
* * * * * * * * * *
An actor dies and appears before St. Peter, who tells
him that he will have to labour for the souls of others for 15 billion years in purgatory or go
straight to hell. The actor asks if he can see heaven and hell before he makes his decision.
Down they go into hell. It turns out to be a steamy, dungeon-like
kitchen in which actors toil away shouting food orders while cooks swear at them and threaten them
with kitchen knives and a hulking maitre de tells them to "Hurry hurry hurry!"
"No," screams the actor, "that's what my life was like!
Show me heaven!"
Up they fly to heaven. It turns out to be a steamy, dungeon-like
kitchen in which actors toil away shouting food orders while cooks swear at them and threaten them
with kitchen knives and a hulking maitre de tells them to "Hurry hurry hurry!"
"This is the same as hell," the actor protests.
"Oh no. Not all," St. Peter replies. "These actors have
agents."
* * * * * * * * * *
A 1st A.D., a gaffer and a camera operator find themselves marooned on
a desert island while shooting on location. As they trudge along the beach searching for a place
to set up camp, they stumble upon an ancient lamp. As the camera operator is dusting off the sand,
a genie appears, thanks them for freeing him from his prison, and offers to grant each of them one
wish.
The camera operator thinks for a moment then says, "Well, this has been an incredibly
difficult shoot. I want to be transported to a beautiful resort hotel with a pool-side bar, an
unlimited expense account, and a bevy of beautiful women willing to do anything I ask".
"OK," says the genie, "consider it done." And the camera operator disappears
in a puff of smoke.
"Wow", says the gaffer, "that sounds perfect - I'll have what he asked for!"
Poof, he disappears in a puff of smoke.
"And what do you wish for, master?" the genie asks the 1st A.D.
The 1st A.D. looks at his watch and says, "I want those other two bastards back here in five
minutes!"
- Anonymous
* * * * * * * * * *
A man walks into a daily newspaper looking for work. When asked about
his special skills he replies: "I actually have no particular interests or talents myself but
enjoy belittling the artistic endeavors of others."
"Fabulous!!" retorted the employment officer. "We have an opening for a theatre
critic."
- Submitted by TTova
* * * * * * * * * *
Two agents are walking down the street and a beautiful woman crosses
their path. One agent says: "Boy, I'd like to screw her." The other agent says:
"Out of what?"
- Submitted by reeldrag@sympatico.ca
* * * * * * * * * *
The story goes that three people died one day and went to Heaven where
they were greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. 'How much do you make a year?' St. Peter asked
the first person. The man replied, '$500,000.' 'Go and stand over there with the surgeons and
lawyers,' St. Peter said. Then he asked the second person: 'And how much do you make a year?'
'About $200,000,' she replied and was promptly told to stand with the accountants. St. Peter then
turned to the third person. 'How much do you earn a year?' he asked. 'About $6,000,' admitted the
man. St. Peter stopped in his tracks, looked at the man keenly and said: "And would I have
seen you in anything?'
- Submitted by Judith Boyle
* * * * * * * * * *
A behavioral scientist decides to devise an experiment proving dogs
take on the personalities of their owners. She put three dogs--one belonging to an architect, one
to a mathematician and one to an actor--in a room with a pile of bones. She stepped into another
room from which she could observe their behavior. The architect's dog saw the bones and built a
tower. The mathematician's dog arranged the bones in geometric shapes. The actor's dog finally
noticed the bones, ate them all, humped the other two dogs and asked if he could go home early.
-- Submitted by Wayne Best
* * * * * * * * * *
An actor in Hollywood phones another actor friend whom he hasn't
spoken to in a while to see how he's doing. "I'm doing great!" his friend replies.
"In fact, I couldn't be better! My agent has been sending me out every day, I just finished
shooting a national commercial and it looks like I'm a shoe-in for a regular on a new sit-com this
fall!" "Oh gosh, I'm sorry", says the first actor. "I'll call you back when
you don't have company."
-- Submitted by Tom Tenney, Jester Entertainment Group, Ltd
* * * * * * * * * *
Question: What's the difference
between an actor and a mutual fund?
Answer: Mutual funds eventually mature and make money.
-- Submitted by Adam Grosswirth
* * * * * * * * * *
Satan visits a film producer and offers him a deal. Satan will insure
that the producer's next film is a $200 million dollar blockbuster sequel-spawning hit, IF
Satan gets possession of the souls of his wife and children for eternal torment in Hell. The
producer thinks for a second and then says, "Okay... what's the catch?"
-- Submitted by Steven Rosenthal
* * * * * * * * * *
A producer goes to his bank manager to raise some finance for a new
film.
"Do you have a director?" the bank manager enquires.
"Yes," replies the producer, "Spielberg."
"Steven Spielberg?"
"No," says the producer, "Ken Spielberg from Kentucky."
"Do you have a leading lady?" asks the banker.
"Streisand." retorts the producer confidently.
"Barbara Streisand?!"
"Well, er, no." says the producer. "Sally Streisand from Buffalo."
"Well, do you have a leading man?" asks the banker.
"Chamberlain," replies the producer.
"Richard Chamberlain?" asks the banker.
"......Yes."
- Submitted by Derrick Bunn
* * * * * * * * * *
26 Things I've
Learned from the Movies
* * * * * * * * * *
OK.... there were three actors working on a particular film. One was
American, the other Australian, and the third was Canadian. One night after an early wrap, they
decided to go to the local bar for a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air
and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun down on the bar, he told the Canadian and the
Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never had to drink out of the
same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the
American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had
so much sand and since glass is made from sand it is so cheap that he too never had to drink out
of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he set
the gun back down on the bar, he told the now bewildered Australian that in Canada we have so many
American actors you never have to drink with the same one twice.
-- Submitted by Drama Queen dramaqueen1@home.com
* * * * * * * * * *
A man was sitting is a bar looking decidedly sad, so sad, that the
bartender asked him what the problem was. "I have an IQ of 160," replied the man, "
and I find it difficult to find people to talk to." "There's a fellow at the end of the
bar just like you," said the bartender. "I'll introduce you."
They had a great time, chatting away about Einstein's Theory of Relativity and the finer points of
nuclear physics.
The next day, as it would happen, there was another sad customer and the bartender discovered he
had an IQ of 100 and was finding it difficult to find people to talk to. The bartender introduced
him to a similar man at the end of the bar. They had a great time talking about politics and
economics.
The next day, would you believe, there was another sad customer at the bar and the bartender asked
him what the problem was. "I have an IQ of 60," replied the man, "and I am finding
it difficult to find people to talk to." "There's a fellow at the end of the bar just
like you," replied the bartender. "I'll introduce you."
He did so and the sad man opened the conversation by asking, "So, what have you auditioned
for lately?"
-- Submitted by Daryl Taylor, East Side Players
* * * * * * * * * *
How to Reduce Stress:
At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas
Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would
like to share with you. When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try
this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have
thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure
that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the
package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside
table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in
small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY
tested."
Now close your eyes, inhale deeply and, as you exhale, say aloud five times: "I
am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company. I am so glad that I do not
work in quality control at the Q-Tip company. I am so glad that I do not work in quality control
at the Q-Tip company. I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company. I
am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company."
* * * * * * * * * *
When I used to work in the Box Office at Roy Thomson Hall in Toronto,
we kept a file on our most bizarre customers. Here are some highlights:
- "Do you have tickets for Julio Eyeglasses?"
- "Do you have any tickets for that guy -- I can't remember his name, but he's really famous
and he sings."
- "I want to see CATS, but I'm allergic to fur."
- "Do you have that piece by Bee-tho-ven - the one that goes 'Da-da-da-da-...' (sings 'Ode to
Joy')". I looked it up, and yes, the Toronto Symphony were playing Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony, so I sold him a ticket.
- A man called at 1:45 on Saturday afternoon to order tickets for his entire family to see the
matinee of CATS at 2:30. He was calling from seventy-five miles away. I explained, "Sir, you
won't make it on time", but he was undeterred. "I'll charter a plane." I checked
with my boss who just said, "Make sure he knows there are no refunds." Five minutes
before the show was due to start, he called back and said he was socked in at the airport.
- Since I moved to London, I spotted an American actress in a bank trying to use her headshot photo as ID.
* * * * * * * * * *
While Carl Reiner was directing one of his movies he had an extra, an aspiring
actor, who was having problems with simple directives. Reiner had asked the actor to go to
the bathroom during the scene but the actor kept balking.
"What's my motivation?" the actor asked Reiner. "I need to know my
motivation."
"What?! You're going to the bathroom!" a frustrated Reiner said.
"Mmmm," said the actor, "not enough."
Finally Reiner said, "Okay, okay. Go to the bathroom, knock on the door."
"And... what is my motivation for doing so?" asks the actor.
Says Reiner: "The actor replacing you in this scene is in there."
-- Submitted by Gaetan Charlebois
* * * * * * * * * *
Posted on behalf of at least fifty people who submitted
"ligtbulb" jokes:
Question: How many actors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Question: Four. One to screw it in and three to stand around saying that they could have
done it better.
Question: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, he just holds on to it and the whole world revolves around him.
Question: How many actors does
it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Five. One to get on the ladder, four to discuss the motivation for the change.
* * * * * * * * * *
Welcome to Hollywood, the only town where you can never earn an Oscar,
but you can buy one at a pawn shop...
* * * * * * * * * *
What do you get when you cross Rodney Dangerfield with an application
to join the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences? A bill for $200 and a rejection letter
from Roddy McDowell.
-- Submitted by David Brager
* * * * * * * * * *
From Charles B. Borger:
Question: What's the difference
between God and a director?
Answer: God never pretended to be a director.
Theatrical Logic: On is in, off
is out, up is back, down is front, and, of course, right is left and left is right. A trap doesn't
catch anything, a fly does. You can't buy anything with a purchase line, a gridiron has nothing to
do with football, a running crew rarely gets anywhere, and strike is work (in fact, a lot of
work). But the best thing you can do is break a leg. --Author unknown
Crew Fight Song: We, the
unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so
much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. --Author
unknown
* * * * * * * * * *
Actor comes home one day to find his home ransacked... Just trashed...
As he stands in the rubble, stunned, he hears moaning from the upstairs bedroom. He races upstairs
to find his wife, obviously beaten and taken advantaged of. Through his tears he asks "Who
did this?" His wife whispers "Your agent." The man brightens... "My agent? He
came to the house? Wow!"
-- Submitted by Jennifer
* * * * * * * * * *
An actor goes to a factory and asks to speak to a manager. "I'm
an actor a I'm looking for a job for a while? Can you help me?" "Sure," replies the
manager "How's $75,000 a year and a company car sound? Can you start tomorrow?"
"Are you joking? " asks the actor. The manager smiles and says, "You started
it!"
-- Submitted by Derrick Bunn
* * * * * * * * * *
|
